1 Day Seizure Free

Unexplainable things in life are inevitable. Over the weekend, the day after I felt inspired to share more of my story, and without rhyme or reason, I had my first seizure of the year. Early Saturday morning, I was woken up by my absolutely incredible husband and he gently told me that I had a seizure. He took all of the proper precautions and handled the situation perfectly and was my savior as usual. By the time he had rolled me onto my side, my seizure had stopped. Jordan makes sure to get me on my side, monitors my breathing and times the length of it. Thankfully this was one of my shortest ones and I was woken up by him rather than paramedics. We can't think of anything in particular that could have caused this one. I didn't skip my meds and I've been happy and healthy. There has been some stress in my life and just stressful people in particular. Thankfully I don't have to be around them very often but when I am, my anxiety level shoots through the roof, but who knows, there will never be proof or a definite trigger determined. That along with a couple minor stresses definitely could have contributed to my seizure early Saturday morning. Every time I have had one it has occurred upon awakening. I usually carry an Ativan on my at all times in case I do get overwhelmed and extremely anxious but for some reason I just didn't have one. 

Waking up from a seizure is the scariest thing for me. I wake up, see Jordan, say I love you, and just cry. I can't remember anything else. I can't remember what we did the day before, what day it is, and basically just can't wrap my mind around anything. I cry because I am so bummed out that I've had one and because I'm scared as hell. Then comes exhaustion. The rest of the day I am just mentally and physically exhausted. Thankfully my memory bounces back pretty fast and i become less freaked out. From then on, my whole day is shot. There is no energy to do anything. I cuddle up on the couch with my hubby and focus on rest and recovery. The day flys by. There's no concept of time and while I was thinking it was only 11:00, it was actually 3:00. I napped on and on throughout the day and hydrated. That is a point that has been hard for me to reach because in the past I have wanted to just get up and go when I actually just need to take a day to rest my body. Saturday night I took an Ativan before bed because that lurking fear that I could have another one was definitely there so I decided to clear any anxiety and doze off into a restful sleep with the help of the Ativan that I usually prefer not to take. It's going to be scary for a while. 100% of my seizures have happened early in the mornings upon awakening in bed, thank God! But this does make it scary because of course it crosses my mind before I go to bed. I fall asleep peacefully and then I wake up to some scary shit. Faith and positivity is what I have to lean on and of course my amazing family. I couldn't be so strong without them. I'm feeling confident that this is just a small speed bump and not something to be super alarmed by. And mom, please don't freak out too bad for too long it's all good, I'm fine and super alive!! I will surround myself with positive people because when people around me are freakin out over my situation, it makes my freak out level rise. I'm a little scared at the moment, only because my body doesn't quite feel completely back to normal yet. Still feeling a little tired and spacey but that's not too far off from my usual demeanor. As long as I'm feeling a little better each day, I'll take it. It's somewhat of a reset. I always appreciate this beautiful life and all of the people in it, but after these episodes I find myself dwelling on the fact that I am so thankful for life, and so thankful for health, thankful for friends and family, and so thankful to be here in this amazing world. It makes me reflect on the irrelevance of some of my worries. I can't let those stand in my way or take away any once of happiness or pleasure. I especially can't let anyone else's negative energy and hatefulness bother me whether it is projected upon me or not. Poor them! Maybe my situation is a blessing. The fact that I'm alive and surrounded by such wonderful people and love puts me on top of the world. Have a beautiful week everyone. Please appreciate and be happy! Life is such a gift! 

"To the brave and the petrified, we all fall down." -IAMX

Coming to terms and accepting the fact that I have epilepsy has been the biggest challenge of all. Through the medical tests, the medications and all of the doctors visits, facing the fact that this will change my life forever and I will deal with this forever has been the hardest part. There's no explanation why my seizures began except for that God has chosen me as someone brave and strong enough to endure this. A life with no obstacles and hardships is non existent. We all fall down, it's how we pull ourselves up that defines us. Life can be terrifying, especially when faced with a medical issue that will change everything in your life forever. Getting to a point of acceptance is the hardest part but once I got there I felt liberated, strong, and not as scared. I'll always have my days where I feel down and anxious and frightened. It's always in the back of my head that I need to be aware, and take care of my body, and be sure to take my meds every day. There is a fear that I could have a seizure at anytime. There's a fear that I'll go to sleep and rather than waking up on my own, I'll be woken up by paramedics and hauled to the ER in an ambulance. I have reached the realization that no matter what the risk, life is constantly full of them. Life is to short to be scared and hope and acceptance can help me conquer that. A thankfulness that there is far more good in my life than bad. I'm alive, I have an incredible husband and family, my opportunities in life are endless. I have dug deep to find the strength to take epilepsy as a challenge that I will overcome. Although it is a medical condition that I will have forever, there is so much good that overrules the fear and anxiety caused by it. Accepting it has taken so much time and work but has been possible. There's so much beauty in life and I don't want any of it to be shadowed by my epilepsy that I have no control over. No matter how brave or scared, we will all fall down. But we can all get back up even stronger. 

Almost 6 months seizure free!

June 5th will mark my 6 months of being seizure free. I'm so happy and blessed that my mind and body has stayed strong. In February when I began my newest conquest and fitness journey, I was venturing into the unknown. I was monitoring my body throughout my workouts and monitoring how my body feels after my new diet plan and replacing one meal a day with Shakeology. Tankfully I feel better, stronger, and healthier than ever. The 21 Day Fix Beachbody Program and Shakeology as done wonders. With the Shakeology I get natural energy that can be so difficult to find when taking my seizure meds. The shakes don't interfere with the meds and they are all natural with no stimulants ore creatine, ect.. The workout program is also amazing. It pushes me but not to a limit where I feel extremely fatigued or so worn down I worry about having a seizure. There's nothing but great feelings and strength that result from the workouts. I'm officially down a pant size and am reaching my goals with extreme determination. I feel confident and happy. While battling epilepsy I have my days where my confidence is shot and I just feel so out of control. This keeps me focused on the positive and as I reach and conquer my fitness goals, I work to accomplish more and more.

Rules and Regulations

Some rules are never fun and the same goes with structure. But, I have found that sometimes it's the only way I can keep my sanity and deal with my physical and emotional health. Lately I have been putting myself on a routine schedule. I wake up, get some cuddles, take my meds, make some breakfast  and get to work on the computer. It's something that I'm getting used to and actually I really like it. I definitely have not always been this way and honestly sometimes I just dislike being told what the fuck to do. Again, sometimes, especially with a job, parents, or other important things it's necessary. My other daily routine after I have completed my morning work and finished my breakfast (the most important god damn meal of the day!) is of course, getting a workout in.  The best way I can get some happy fun energy and get my body running like a mean machine.With my schedule in place I have been so damn productive! Waking up with a purpose feels awesome. In the midst of it I don't have time or even a thoughts to dwell on my epilepsy or over analyze myself. Keeping busy is awesome but at the same time there does need to be a small amount of analyzing just to make sure I'm not feeling at all like I'm going to have a seizure, even a partial one. But that's all part of taking good care of yourself and your body. This doesn't only apply to me, this goes for anyone. We should all be aware of what our bodies are doing and making sure we are running well. This doesn't mean get on web MD and convince yourself that you have fucking a terminal illness. Just do a quick check, make sure your hearts beating good, your head feels great, and your bod is functioning. I feel like over the past couple weeks I have been functioning at a great level and I feel healthy. I've said it before, I totally have those days where I wake up in a bitchy mood and have uncontrollable urges to tell people to just suck it and leave me be. But thank god I haven't had one of those in a while. I have been pleasantly occupied with a productive schedule and positive things to do. Becoming 100% good with other people telling me what the hell to do is something I've always questioned but I'm definitely going to work on being more accepting of it, but really? does anyone like being told what to do? I think not. That's just another thing for me to work on and another thing that makes me an awesome strong willed individual. I'll keep truckin with my new schedule and it can only get better from here! LOVE!

Awake and Alive

I took last week off from getting a post out there, simply because I was way too scatterbrained to organize a thought.  I had a lot going on mostly all in my head though. Don't get me wrong , I wasn't sitting on my ass the entire time going nuts (which has happened before). I was getting into new ventures and experimenting with different ways to help people, improve myself, and have fun with something productive. I'm a very impulsive person and when I want something I do what I need to do to get it. I try to balance everything as best that I can but anxiety can get to me and I can get easily frustrated. I have been trying not to rely on my anit anxiety meds that I get prescribed along with my  even though I do get anxious, then more anxious because I don't want that current anxiety to get to a level where it could significantly lower my seizure threshold. Now that is a vicious circle of bullshit. My impulsive, I want this now, personality can be good and bad. Not going to lie, sometimes I can be an asshole. It's easy for me to blame some things on my meds and the fact that dealing with my seizures is a constant but I try not to go there as much as possible. Sometimes that just doesn't work and it is what it is. I know a lot of people can totally relate! So some of this shit that's been stressing me out has also been awesome and exciting. I don't want to bitch about the new challenge just because there are some things that come along with it that I don't want to do. I create my own destiny and this is just one more thing that I can take and kick ass at.
So, this "thing" I've mentioned is actually doing a new type of fitness challenge, while selling it and being proof that the product works. I will occasionally, take blog in the direction of health and fitness. It's always something I have been into and I want to be the healthiest me, mentally and physically. This challenge group and actually getting people to commit and buy the product will be the toughest part. I haven't felt like I have significantly contributed financially and would love to do that. I've never tried to sell anything before and it's hard to put aside that not all salesmen are annoying buttholes. Thank God Jordan is just proud of me no matter what and will support me in any crazy new endeavor I take on. Ultimately my goal by taking this fitness challenge on is to be supportive and encouraging to anyone else trying to get healthier. Maybe they can relate by having any mental or physical challenge they want to overcome. Proving to myself that I will actually finish this program and hopefully sell some shit and make some money along the way will be a major accomplishment, but I always like my biggest accomplishments to be inspiring and encouraging people, especially those who need it the most. An additional challenge I am going to have to face is balancing all of my new activities with my awesome life I already have. There will be days where I'll have to put my bitchy attitude aside and just get shit done. There will also be those days that I've talked about where I just don't want to do anything. I'll overcome all of this and take on this new challenge. I'm going to do my best and try not to get frustrated when I have to take things a little slower than I would want to so that I can get a good grasp on everything. I'll totally figure it out and kick ass. Just another crazy addition to my book of life.

It's time for another challenge

Since my medication dosage had been significantly increased since December, I'm totally feeling the side effects. These suck. There are the most common side effects that I have been warned about since going on the meds, but I've found that some are worse than others. Fatigue that is common with lamictal, is one that bothers me the most. I've always been extremely active and I hate feeling out of it and like I have zero energy. Since stimulants are definitely a no no and lower my seizure threshold, I have turned to a more natural approach. The one thing that helps me the most is excercising. Once I can get off my butt and get to the gym or do a challenging at home workout I get my endorphins running and find some awesome happy energy! To get the most out of my workouts I am eating healthy and cooking most of our meals at home. My husband and I aren't on any kind of crazy diet, but just a balanced high protein, lots of veggies, and low carb diet. The improvements in my health and how I feel have been so helpful in dealing with my epilepsy and the medication side effects. The more I workout, the more I strive for challenges. Since one of my biggest goals is helping and inspiring people, I've decided to become a Beachbody coach. Beachbody includes all of the at home workouts like insanity, P90 X, PiYo, and some new awesome programs that are geared toward your individual goals. Also, along with the workout programs are healthy eating programs and Shakeology. Shakeology contains super foods, proteins, and natural ingredients that I feel safe using. It also strengthens your immune system significantly. These are all claims that the program makes, but I'll have to be the proof that it actually works. This is unknown territory that I am going to explore and along my journey hopefully inspire anyone else who wants to take the healthy lifestyle challenge with me. I will document my progress and am open to any questions about it. My goal is to get stronger and leaner (but not huge and buff and bulky) and ultimately be healthier and feel awesome. I will start the program 21 Day Fix along with a meal plan and Shakeology. Anyone who is interested in any meal or workout program just let me know and you can buy it through me and I'll help to coach along the way. The Team Beachbody website has all of the information on all of the programs and products. I'd love to get some followers and some workout buddies, it definitely helps you stay motivated. More details to come when I get my program in. It's time to take on a new challenge and conquer. I'm going to prove that it's possible to overcome epilepsy and the meds that mess with your body. 

Silence Can Be an Invitation for Music

Music can do wonders. Lyrics will touch and be interpreted to every individual in a unique way that can bring joy, comfort, jack you up for a good workout, or just to calm your mind.  Whether it be simple instrumentals or words that captivate you, music is an amazing thing. I've created so many different playlists for so many different moods and purposes. I can be super moody and there's no telling what I'll listen to on any given day. Some days I just feel down, I may feel shitty and pissed off about having to be on my seizure meds. Or just scared and emotional. A lot of times I get emotional and down for no reason. Some times I just need to calm the fuck down because I'm stressed and stuck on the thought of having another seizure and just wanting to be normal. I'm not going to lie, having epilepsy can be really fucking depressing sometimes. The challenge is finding a safe and productive way to manage those terrible feelings. Music is one thing that I've used to calm my anxiety. When I just need to chill out, come back down to reality, and stop being worried about shit I have no control over, I'll find a few songs I'm in the mood for that day. Like I said, I'm super moody and sometimes a very distracted lady. My musical choices are always pretty random. Throughout this whole blogging adventure I'll share some of my playlists. There's a wide range of songs I listen to so check some of this shit out and maybe you'll like it. Today I'm finally feeling more human and coming down off of this shit storm of a cold that I fought off cold medicine free. It's time for me to grab some tea, put some comfies on and relax. So here's some relaxing tunage.

A Tribute To My Husband

My strength, my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life. You give me the strength and encouragement to conquer anything. You're a truly beautiful soul and an inspiration. You have more love, integrity, and more compassion than anyone in the entire universe. You have made me the happiest woman alive and I will show you every day how madly in love with you I am. With you my love anything is possible, let's conquer this world together and have a long beautiful life together. I could go on and on and on about how amazing you are and how much I love you. Words don't do any justice to how much I love you and our life together. Our marriage is like a fairytale. I will love you until the day I die and then continue to in the life after this. I love you with all of my heart forever and ever.  

The Virus Finally Got Me!

Everyone in my family and a lot of my friends had this shitty cold that has been going around since December. My husband came down with it so I pumped vitamin C into my bod and had a bad ass immune system going so I could take care of him without getting it. His cold came and went and let me add, I took on the mission of making sure he had everything he needed to beat it. My mom, dad, brother, niece, sister in law, grandpa, and some of our friends have come down with the same thing throughout December and January. I felt like a badass, I felt great, I thought haha biatches that cold can't touch me. Well, about 3 days ago a cough, sore throat, and stuffy nose crept up. Son of a bitch, if got me. I blame the filthy breeding ground for germs that is the gym. They just let anyone in... Ew, lame! The kicker to all this bullshit is I can't take your typical cold medicine and especially not that magical NyQuil that allows you to sleep peacefully. There is a danger. Diphenhydramine is found in over the counter drugs like Benadryl, cold meds, and over the counter drugs to help you sleep. These can lower my seizure threshold and increase my risk of having a seizure. I just stay away from that stuff all together. I've turned to natural remedies and little tricks to make my cold a little more manageable. Tea has been a big help. Peppermint tea and chamomile have been my teas of choice. Because of my cough and sore throat, I add a bunch of honey to it to somewhat coat and soothe my throat. I also read somewhere that cloves can be a cough suppressant. I'll add about 3-4 cloves to my tea and I can't tell for sure if it makes a big difference but it tastes yummy. Water is crucial, lots and lots of it. I've been staying very hydrated even though I have to get up a million times to pee it's worth it. Essential oils can be soothing as well. Especially eucalyptus oil. A few drops of this in some Epsom salt, throw it in the shower, hop in and let the steam clear out your sinuses. It's won't take care of it completely but it feels and smells damn good! I also have my husband to thank! He is always here for whatever I need and he keeps a close loving eye on me. So on this 3rd day of this shit, I am just going to rest, follow my own advice and kick this virus in the balls! And I'm going to do it the all natural way. Hopefully by Friday I'll be up and running and kicking ass at the gym. I need to get my immune system back to the roided out beast that it usually is. 

Stay strong and live long

    There are so many days when it's so hard to get motivated about anything. Between the shitty side effects of medications and any seizure, as well as my all around shitty attitude. Sometimes it's hard to do anything. When I say anything I mean it's hard to get out of bed and face the world. At the beginning of my diagnosis with epilepsy I didn't really know where to go from there. My life was on hold and I was super pissed off about it. This lead to a rebellious and self destructive attitude. I was mad at the world, I would binge drink (which was so dangerous considering my epilepsy), Id stay in bed all day, and I shut out some of the people who were only trying to help me. One day I woke up feeling like shit, looked at my pale unhappy face, and thought this isn't me!! It was time to get it together and take care of myself. It was time to kick ass and overcome. 

   I've been an athlete my whole life. Health and my fitness has been so important to me and I couldn't let myself deteriorate anymore. Being a competitive athlete, I wasn't used to my physicality being hindered. While my medications were becoming stabilized, my energy level was crap. Because of my epilepsy I have to stay away from stimulants because they will lower my seizure threshold and could cause a seizure. I can't rely on anything but myself to gain energy.  The most effective way for me to do that is to excercise. Some days it's so hard to get going, but once I hit the gym, get moving and get those endorphins goin, I find more energy than ever. It's what makes me feel great and alive!

      I'm no longer in any organized or competitive sports but I love weight training, cardio, and any physical challenge. The gym is one place that I can safely push the limits and kick ass. At the gym I can have that competitive edge and work to become the healthiest I've ever been. Pushing to lift those extra pounds and run a few more minutes than the day before is so empowering. Seeing myself progress and conquer is a feeling that lifts me up higher than ever. These medications and my epilepsy won't own me, I'll face this shit and rise. 

   For a month now I have been doing my workouts 100% supplement free. I began taking what I thought was a safe pre workout drink last October. A couple weeks after taking it almost every day, my husband had to wake me up frequently because I was experiencing partial seizures in my sleep. I didn't think that it could have been my pre workout causing this. December 5th, 2014 I woke up to my husband and paramedics in my bedroom explaining to me I had a grand mal seizure. I would have been 1 year seizure free on January 1st. Immediately I burst into tears and fell into my husband's arms. I felt helpless, so disappointed, and back at square one after all of my hardwork. Thankfully with support from my family and friends, and knowing this doesn't have to get me down, I bounced back faster than usual and was back to a safe workout routine the following week 

     January I met with my neurologist about this. We ended up increasing my medication, so instead of 300 mg of lamictal a day I am now on 450 mg. this fucking sucked at first because for me the lamictal sucks my energy from my body. Bleh!!! We decided the pre workout was lowering my seizure threshold and a factor in triggering the grand mal. She also explained to me that creatine that is found in a lot of workout supplements can also lower my threshold. Without a second thought I decided no more supplements, my body and fitness routine will be supplement free. The only thing I take besides my lamictal is a vegan, food based multivitamin. I'm taking my new approach to my workouts as a challenge and I'm going to reach the level of fitness I want all on my own! It's going to be epic!

Meds piss me off!!! But they save my life.

Some emotions are definitely great and some are just frustrating and sad and piss you the hell off! There's days I wake up and want to just get dressed go out not take my meds and have the energy I used to have before all this shit. Now, I've only done this once and it ended with a grand mall seizure. Then I not only felt pissed, but I felt like a dumbass. Come on, really, what did I think would happen. I've always been one to push the limits.

I have never really liked having a bunch of rules and I need to have control of my body. Coming to terms with that is definitely hard and something that I battle with regularly. It would be so amazing for all this shit to just get out of my life and shut up!! I battle through that so much because as I dwell on these thoughts, but by doing this I'm actually letting the meds and my condition control me. So instead of being irritated about it every day, I see my meds, say fuck you meds I'm taking you, then I'm gonna battle to get energy and I won't let this shit get me down. I'll conquer the day and kick some ass. Working through this is empowering and I continue to keep a mindset of taking the meds but not letting them rule my life. It's been a tough battle but a necessary one. I found there's hope in every day and I can control how I feel every day. Overall, I actually feel awesome.

Remember this shit, life really is beautiful

Everyday you're not dead in the ground it's a beautiful day.

Every day I can wake up, walk, talk, see hear, and feel, that's a beautiful day.

Not everyone is as lucky. Take in beautiful/ordinary moments. Moments where you feel no pain, have your freedom and feel love. Truth is I would rather feel too much than feel nothing at all. To feel is to live. 

Be thankful. Thankful for yourself and all of the amazing people you share your life with. Bottom line is life is beautiful, especially a full one. It's a blessing not to be overlooked. It won't last forever and eventually there will be another low, another sadness, another pain. Until then, enjoy all you have, take in the wonderful moments, roll with the bad, and celebrate the good. Life is too short and fragile. Feel all the love and give all you got. Never feel sorry for yourself, or get down on yourself, but celebrate yourself. You're a living breathing masterpiece unlike anything else in the world. You control your destiny and all of the happiness the world has to give. Peace and love!

Life Happens, sometimes it sucks, just roll with it

For seven years now I have been conquering epilepsy. I say that because I refuse to let it define me. I was diagnosed at 18. My life was turned upside down. I went from finally being in my own and becoming independent woman, to having my license taken away, and living with and being watched like a hawk by my parents. This felt like total bullshit! I was finally out on my own and in the blink of an eye I felt like a five year old. I was experiencing so many emotions. I was angry and everyone pissed me off, I was sad because my life was on hold, and I was scared as hell.The treatment began. It was time to figure out exactly what the hell was causing this. Test after test was done and they found the seizures originated in my right temporal lobe. The cause is unknown, shit happens...Finding the meds that worked for me was the worst but we finally found one that worked and I've been on it ever since. Throughout this I'll share more details.

 This is only the beginning.